Why Your Coping Skills Aren’t Working!
Have you ever found yourself thinking or saying, “These coping skills just don't work for me,” or maybe, “I don’t feel any different after trying them,” or “Coping skills don’t work”? If so, you're definitely not alone. As someone who loves helping people navigate these challenges, I often hear this sentiment, and it always piques my interest.
When people tell me their coping skills feel ineffective, there's a common thread in their stories. I see it as a three-pronged issue:
Insufficient Education: Often, people aren't given enough guidance on how to effectively practice coping skills outside of the session or outside of the moment of need.
Incorrect Practice: People aren’t practicing the skills enough, effectively, or at all.
Mismatch of Skills and Situations: The skills being used aren't the best fit for the situation at hand.
Let’s break these down a little further, using anxiety as our main example, though the principles apply broadly across mental health diagnoses.
Education on Practicing Coping Skills
I always emphasize to my clients the importance of practicing coping skills outside of moments of anxiety or dysregulation. Why? Because each time you practice, you're building a new brain-body connection. Think of it as teaching your system that overthinking or shaking isn't your go-to response when you're calm, but when you are dysregulated. By regularly practicing in calm moments, you help your body and mind recognize these skills as signals to regulate and get back to calm when stress hits.
Imagine if you only did box breathing during a panic attack. Your body and brain might not recognize it as a calming technique because there's no prior association. So yes, if you're not practicing when you're calm and regulated, I understand why it feels like your skills aren't working. Your body and brain think they are doing the right thing! They say I only do this when I am dysregulated, so yes, I am having the correct response. When what we want to happen is, brain and body saying whoa, whoa whoa, I only do this when I am calm, cool, and collected, time to regualte.
Practicing Skills When Regulated
You have to practice when you feel safe and regulated. I suggest finding a calm moment each day to practice your chosen skill about five times. Aim for five times a week for maximum effectiveness. This repetition helps ensure that when anxiety arises, you can easily slip into those calming techniques, signaling your body it's time to regulate.
For those who frequently experience anxiety, practicing more often can be beneficial. The more familiar your body is with a skill during calm moments, the more effective it will be during stressful ones.
Matching the Right Skills to the Right Moments
It's crucial to select the appropriate coping skill for the level of distress you’re experiencing. I like to use a number line and fire analogy when teaching this to my clients:
1-4: Manageable emotions, like candles in a room. You can see them, and you're confident you know how blow them out.
5-8: think of a bonfire. It's somewhat out of control and distressing, but still manageable. You believe you can get it under control and know what to use to do so.
9-10: Emotions are like a house on fire. You're completely dysregulated and need help. You know you probably can’t get this under control alone.
The skills required to "blow out candles" are vastly different from those needed to "put out a house fire." For instance, during a full-blown panic attack, techniques like box breathing may not suffice, much like being told to take deep breaths while a house is burning. While it might help a little, it won’t extinguish the fire.
You need a toolbox of skills suited to various levels of distress. Building this toolbox involves time, honesty, and trial and error. Partnering with a clinician can help you discover and refine these skills.
A Sports Analogy for Coping Skills
Consider your coping skills like physical therapy after an injury. Many start physical therapy but stop the exercises once the pain subsides, often leading to reinjury. We need to keep doing them so that we are strong when we go take the field, and our bodies have built up the tolerance to support us.
Would you like help figuring out your toolbox of coping skills? Reach out through my website, and I'd be delighted to work with you. Don’t forget to check out my upcoming articles on "Medication In Conjunction with Therapy - When You Can't Access Your Tools," and "My Go-To Coping Skills" for further education on these topics.
Remember, your coping skills can become powerful allies with the right understanding and practice. You’ve got this!
